16 November 2017

Personal content is always tricky but this is something i've wanted to write about for a while. With that said, I'm certain there's probably plenty of other people who are in the same situation or have had similar experiences. Just a quick note - don't get me wrong, I'm not here for sympathy, I simply wanted to talk about my own experience. Maybe you'll find some familiarity or maybe you'll find something you're unaffected by - either way I really appreciate you taking the time to read this post, if you manage to last the whole hog!

Since the age of 18, I've been without a father figure. In terms of time, when you think about it, that's not that long ago. I'm now 23 and it's become very normal to live in the situation i'm in. I don't question anything anymore, I just go on with life as everybody else would. The main thing i've noticed from all of this is my emotional walls. Those walls have grown another six or so feet and they're a lot harder to break down than they ever were before. If you get to know me as a person, I most likely come across very confident and outgoing. I'm outgoing, in the right situation, but on the inside, i'm as soft as anything. Honestly, the best comparison I can come up with of my inner-self would be to the composition a cookie. I appear to have a hard exterior but, on the inside i'm doughy and a bit flimsy. I hope you guys understand what I mean? Im very much aware it's a bit of a weird comparison but it's the best my mind can come up with at this point!

The whole thing has really affected my relationships - whether it be with myself, friends or my boyfriend. It takes me that bit longer to feel comfortable and put trust into people again. When you've been let down by someone close to you I think it's really natural for that to happen, regardless as to who it is. On this occasion however, as it was someone that bit closer, it affected me that bit more and again added to my reservations when it came to forming bonds with people. Being let down by one of the people who is supposed to support you the most in life really does start to chisel away at your self-confidence as well as your confidence in other people. 

BUT, believe it or not, there's actually some positive things that have come from the situation. Let's start with my relationship with my Mom (and yes, I say mom not mum) for example. Over the years, we've grown a lot closer and it's something I'm really grateful of. I look back and think 'did I really need to tell her that?' on SO many occasions, but i'm so glad i've opened up to her a whole lot more. 

The words of wisdom that she's given me are some that i'll never forget and hopefully some that i'll be able to share with my family someday. It sounds awful but, i'm almost grateful that things have turned out the way they have for us. Without these occurrences, we wouldn't have the relationship we do today. Don't get me wrong, we still have our moments but, i'm forever grateful to have such a selfless person to call my Mom. 

As well, despite feeling those knock backs, I feel like it's also made my skin a little thicker. As much as I shouldn't, I expect to be let down by people - I expect the worst so to speak. I think that way, you become stronger in yourself and try to let things affect you less. Of course the above is something that i'd like to change but that's something that'll probably happen more and more as time goes on. 



8 November 2017 Birmingham, UK

This post was most definitely inspired by the totally and utterly beautiful Alice Catherine, who writes a series called 'Girls Support Girls'. Her series is trying to bring girls together who have faced similar issues, so people don't feel alone. So, even if you don't read the rest of this post, go and give some of her posts a read because they're so heartfelt and honest. 

Alice used the below quote and it really grabbed me; I'm certain it will resonate with a lot of you too. 

"Women like looking sexy, but it doesn't mean we want to fuck you."

- Cate Blanchett

I wanted to talk about the above quote Alice made reference to in her post. I know it's mainly focussed on the sexualisation of women but I also think it can be heavily linked to self confidence. I know when it comes to a lack of self confidence I'm not alone but, the reasons for that lack of confidence, again swing back around to the above quote. It's a cycle and a vicious one at that. 

Women like looking sexy. YES! yes we do (despite this outfit being far from it.) So why should we walk along the pavement feeling scared that we may be cat called? Or be given sexualised looks? Let's be real, it's happened to all of us. We've gone out in our favourite skirt or tight fitting trousers and feel great about it... until we step out the front door. It like you have eyes in the back of your head and suddenly those old men sat on the nearby steps seem a whole lot more intimidating. It's pretty shit (sorry) that we live in a society where it tries to focus so heavily on safety yet, the basic biology of being a woman makes you a target and therefore compromising that safety. 

For as long as I can remember, my long legs have been something I've had a love hate relationship with. On holiday, I'm fine, the people I see aren't my locals, the weather is warm and everything is a whole lot more relaxed. With a mojito in hand, those short shorts are out in full swing but the second we land back on english soil they're thrown to the back of the wardrobe, not to be seen until another sunny holiday comes looping around. Of course, we don't regularly have the weather to waltz around in short shorts here in the UK but, regardless, I don't feel comfortable doing it based on some of the above points and I know that ties back to my fear of being heckled when I go out. 

I feel pathetic even saying any of these things and I think it's sometimes why I dress the way I do. I've never been one to dress overly feminine (as you can see on this post) - give me oversized or relaxed fit any day - but I do like to dress up and wear something a little 'sexier' once in a while. Just because I'm wearing something low cut or tight fitting 'doesn't mean (I) want to fuck you' so don't look me up and down as to suggest I do. 


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