16 November 2017

Personal content is always tricky but this is something i've wanted to write about for a while. With that said, I'm certain there's probably plenty of other people who are in the same situation or have had similar experiences. Just a quick note - don't get me wrong, I'm not here for sympathy, I simply wanted to talk about my own experience. Maybe you'll find some familiarity or maybe you'll find something you're unaffected by - either way I really appreciate you taking the time to read this post, if you manage to last the whole hog!

Since the age of 18, I've been without a father figure. In terms of time, when you think about it, that's not that long ago. I'm now 23 and it's become very normal to live in the situation i'm in. I don't question anything anymore, I just go on with life as everybody else would. The main thing i've noticed from all of this is my emotional walls. Those walls have grown another six or so feet and they're a lot harder to break down than they ever were before. If you get to know me as a person, I most likely come across very confident and outgoing. I'm outgoing, in the right situation, but on the inside, i'm as soft as anything. Honestly, the best comparison I can come up with of my inner-self would be to the composition a cookie. I appear to have a hard exterior but, on the inside i'm doughy and a bit flimsy. I hope you guys understand what I mean? Im very much aware it's a bit of a weird comparison but it's the best my mind can come up with at this point!

The whole thing has really affected my relationships - whether it be with myself, friends or my boyfriend. It takes me that bit longer to feel comfortable and put trust into people again. When you've been let down by someone close to you I think it's really natural for that to happen, regardless as to who it is. On this occasion however, as it was someone that bit closer, it affected me that bit more and again added to my reservations when it came to forming bonds with people. Being let down by one of the people who is supposed to support you the most in life really does start to chisel away at your self-confidence as well as your confidence in other people. 

BUT, believe it or not, there's actually some positive things that have come from the situation. Let's start with my relationship with my Mom (and yes, I say mom not mum) for example. Over the years, we've grown a lot closer and it's something I'm really grateful of. I look back and think 'did I really need to tell her that?' on SO many occasions, but i'm so glad i've opened up to her a whole lot more. 

The words of wisdom that she's given me are some that i'll never forget and hopefully some that i'll be able to share with my family someday. It sounds awful but, i'm almost grateful that things have turned out the way they have for us. Without these occurrences, we wouldn't have the relationship we do today. Don't get me wrong, we still have our moments but, i'm forever grateful to have such a selfless person to call my Mom. 

As well, despite feeling those knock backs, I feel like it's also made my skin a little thicker. As much as I shouldn't, I expect to be let down by people - I expect the worst so to speak. I think that way, you become stronger in yourself and try to let things affect you less. Of course the above is something that i'd like to change but that's something that'll probably happen more and more as time goes on. 


1 comment:

  1. So nice article, glad to read this post, thanks so much!



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